Rumor Is... Love Don't Cost a Thing.

Every year, halfway through the month of February, a diaper wearing winged infant shoots and strikes women in the heart, which causes them to hallucinate about being more special on this day. The shit is contagious and spreads like swine flu. If a woman has been infected she and all the women she knows will get sick – love sick. It’s a 24hour virus and the only thing that can cure it is receiving “stuff”. The only vaccine for the virus is called single; it’s free. I’ve been using it for years.

I don’t want to come across as bitter or a love-hater. I think love is beautiful. It was once explained to me and compared to a breeze, you can’t always see it, but it’s there and can be felt. And although I’ve never experienced it myself, I know it’s out there and lives in the hearts of many others.

However, it’s when we, men, fall into playing the ‘purchase my affection’ game every February Faketeenth, sorry Fourteenth. Ladies you know this game, don’t you? I’m sorry, I forgot their kind calls it love. This is when the man you love will spend triple the cost for roses, balloons, candied tropical fruit and keep Hallmark’s doors open for yet another 12months. And still, none of these things turn me off to this outrageous celebration. It’s after all the thoughtful presentations are made, kisses of our undying determination to make you smile are shared, and the leftovers are boxed up, brought home and then stashed next to last Saturday’s leftovers. The real sharing starts the next day… February 15th.

The only thing that matters is what she can brag to her friends about. That’s it! For the next 24hours they compare what they got, why it’s nice and who didn’t get a damn thing. But, they had better gotten something, otherwise you’re not getting anything. After all is said and done it becomes a nostalgic Friday afternoon directly after her 3rd grade spelling test, Show & Tell.

What are we celebrating again? Love, that’s right I forgot. With all the decorations in the way, I totally lost sight of the love part. I guess I say all that to state this: Prove your case to each other, not to a jury of your peers. Try to appreciate the history of why the day exists (look it up), and instead of spending a dime, spend time… with one another. Turn your phones off, watch a movie and enjoy each other’s company. Remember what its like to be with the one you love.

Hey, true love is priceless. Did we learn nothing from Flavor of Love??? “You know what time it is!”

When Women Talk Whine, bring the Cheese

I’m going to take a shot in the dark and assume that most of my reader’s have had a significant partner at one time or another. This is integral to hopefully prove my point as you read on.

Women, white or dark, love a tall glass of whine. They love nothing more than to verbally pour a detailed bouquet of self expression. It can be about anything, everything and anywhere, sometimes all three. A good robust whine can be centered on work, family, friends or her lifeblood, facebook. As long as she is heard by someone who cares; that’s you. And, since every action she makes needs an equal and opposite reaction, she wants you to listen; and occasionally retort.

That is a problem. Mainly because many of us men were manufactured with a listen & care gauge. That’s right, there’s a limit to how much we can listen to and care about in a single sitting.

Allow me to explain and solve.

There comes a time in every man’s life when we deserve to be left alone without the responsibility of having to dialogue. Times like these come around few and far between and sometimes blatantly exude, “I’m not in the mood to care or listen.” That’s right gents, “not talk, but listen. There’s a difference.

Maybe you don’t keep a mental record of them as I do, but there are many times when I’m okay to listen, yet under the influence of another challenge so a response can’t… it ain’t gonna happen. This usually occurs mostly when you’re watching your show or game and your woman presents something you are to care about equally like what she didn’t get for the made-up calendar insert “Valentine’s Day” or the newest installments of her friend’s 12 week old son, to see how big he’s gotten.

Problem is, not only could you care less to hear about what Glenn got Kelly or how big Jen’s son is… you definitely don’t want to hear about it, and now she’s wants you to respond.

SIDEBAR: Stop showing of pictures of children we don’t know. Seriously, Stop.

Gents, every now and then we catch a break and get lucky. I’m talking about those days and nights that we’re not on speaking to each other, which means we’re not listening to each other. It’s almost selfish that it feels kind of rewarding.

But, in the case you get caught having to care and listen to your woman’s problems, solutions or rants, just remember this…

She is searching you for information. She is literally Google-ing you. So be prepared. Do what I’ve learned to do. When she finishes her pointless (meaningless) anecdote, and presses you attention search button, simplee do this: pick out a few keywords, smile and respond.

That’s right…

When she starts to pour her whine, her verbal bouquet, look at her, act to mean it, quickly give her your top result… and cheese.

SAY NO TO KNOWING

Never ask your woman (or man, personal choice) a question you are not ready to hear the answer to. Better yet… some questions are better left unasked, and answers unknown.

However… this is where I contradict myself. Most romantics would say that you should be able to ask and say anything to the one you’re with, and yes, I guess that’s true. But, let’s be honest the when and where is what truly matters.

Case in point… When you’re in bed many things are allowed, but never (when I say never, I mean never) ask your woman “Who’s the best?” Do not ask, unless she brings it up. She’ll tell you when she wants you to know or when she’s been with you so long she forgot about the real guy who was. Because the truth is, it may not be you. And, the truth could severely ruin the rest of the night. Trust me, I know.

There’s nothing like being in the heat of the moment, overcome with passion, kissing and biting then all of a sudden you bellow out, “Who’s the Best,” and with conviction she yearns… “Jamal!”

Only problem is your name’s not Jamal, it’s Kevin.

Be careful what you ask for. I’m just saying…


…your girlfriend’s favorite comic"
-tonee bell

The Cashless Cold-Blooded Ice Breaker

Times are too tough to waste money on something that’s going to be meaningless anyway. There are still a few ways to be flashy without having to wear rhinestone shirts. So, quit buying that bitch $15 martini’s to strike up conversation. It’s not that we can’t afford it, the question is… should we have to? Don’t get it twisted, there are plenty of ways to get a woman to notice you, make her giggle and impress her without Andrew Jackson doing the talking for you… that is, if it’s a real woman you want.

Try this on for size. One afternoon when you’re with the fella’s at the sports bar or maybe a happy hour with friends try the “On Me.” This may prove to be a bit corny, but I have to say, it works… always.

So…

The woman that has earned your attention… verify that she has sent you the invite, “the eye,” and return it. Next, have the bartender deliver two large waters with ice, and lemons on a saucer (or however many girlfriends she’s with). The bartender should say, “compliments of the gentlemen at the bar (or where ever you are sitting).” That’s when you graciously accept the gratitude; usually with a slight hand gesture and head nod. Never bite the lip, that’s too much. This is when you judge her sense of humor, if she has one. If she does, she will smile and say thank you, minutes later swoop in like the hawk you are.

Who knew ice water was such a great ice breaker..?

"...your girlfriend's favorite comic"
-tonee bell


Watch out for: "GAMEOVER" the movie